My Day in Court

This morning, had to take Infant to Court with me, due to babysitter's last-minute Cancellation. Infant screamed upon attempt to enter courtroom, and was forced to beat hasty Retreat and produce bag of Pretzels (Infant is almost Two, and thanks to Siblings, perfectly adept at the consumption of pretzels and other, even less desirable Food-Like Substances).

Upon re-entry find that all seats are Taken; Court Officer loudly says, Everybody, Please Find a Seat! Sympathetic female clerk produces office chair from behind filing cabinet and we are Seated. Infant promptly drops pretzels on the Floor and slides down to recover them. Calendar call begins - my case is number 44. Infant picks crushed pretzels off floor and throws them in the Clerk's garbage can, then climbs back on my lap and joyfully says, Mama! Sssh, I say. Court Officer interrupts calendar call to say, Anyone whose Phone rings will Leave the Courtroom and Not Come Back.

Clerk calls number 12. Infant indignantly points out dropped pretzels and goes to pick them up; the attorneys on number 12 forced to mince around him to get to judge. Infant gathered back into lap and proceeds to behave quite well, by his standards.

Clerk calls number 30. Infant has dropped remaining pretzels, deposited a layer of crumbs on my black suit jacket, and tries to flip a switch on the wall, whereupon Court Officer approaches and sternly says, She Can't Be Touching That.

Clerk asks, Which Number Are You? and calls number 44, out of order. Deposit Infant on Chair and approach judge; Motion ends up Postponed for Other Reasons. Scoop up Infant and other sundry accoutrements and Flee courtroom. Proceed upstairs to file various papers; Infant tries to close the double doors, then runs around barking and growling.

On the way home, Infant screams on the subway train, prompting dirty looks and a few inaudible (to me) but clearly unappreciative comments. Eventually, convince Infant to spend rest of trip admiring his reflection in the window, which induces a Meditative state.

Yes, I Am Quite Happy, Thank You Very Much

This past Shabbos, finally got myself to Shul (Infant was with my parents) and every single person who ever had a black person be rude to them, came up to tell me about it, with the rider that It Is People Like Me That Ruin This Fine Country, and They Hope I Am Happy; to which my reply was, Quite.

To add insult to injury, Daughter said today that she had wanted "the Pretty Lady" to win, which devolved into exhausting discussion of What Makes A Good President. Qualities proposed included Smart, Does Chesed, and Tznius - Does Not Wear Shorts. This last was proposed by Son, while clad exclusively in pair of pajama pants, which he had stopped halfway through pulling up so as to participate in discussion (is going through very Irritating stage of being completely unable to to anything else while Talking).

Am reading Barbarossa by Alan Clarke, concerning the war on the Eastern Front during WWII. Am inexorably reminded of military descriptions in War and Peace, complete with poor communication, competing interests, lack of competence, and entirely misapplied competence. Detailed accounts and explanations of strategy turn out oddly mesmerizing, to the point where I felt actual suspense, though know quite well what happens next and how it all Ends.

A Small Matter of Education

Was amazed to discover today that Daughter is being taught by Nevi'im. Daughter reassures me that Even if Obama wins, Something Bad will happen to him and Moshiach will come. Rejoin, somewhat starchily, that should quite like Obama to win, and that Moshiach will come Anyway; to which Daughter replies that Morah knows better, because she is Older. Am confident that the Latter, at least, is not the case. Daughter further alleges that McCain Loves the Jews, and Obama Hates them; is naturally unable to cite any Facts adduced by Morah to support these propositions. Am further dubious concerning the Wisdom of attempting to discuss Politics with seven-year-olds. Upstairs Neighbor, whose daughters attend the same School, says that her eleven-year-old's class was told the exact Opposite (which bodes well for Pluralism, but makes no Sense otherwise) and that Political Discussions with eleven-year-olds are similarly Unedifying. Recall own reading, at age eleven, mostly consisting of The Gulag Archipelago and The Cancer Ward, but surmise, and, indeed, Hope, that this is Atypical. Cannot help feeling School may have done better to stick to simple explanation of electoral process and Issues involved.

Is All This Water Symbolic Somehow?

Son: Yonah was a big tzadik, he washed negelwasser all day long.
Am positive Son's rebbe is sane person and would not tell children that Yonah had OCD or that OCD required for tzidkus. (Although quite see how 3-day sojourn in Fish stomach could induce compulsive Washing, not to mention Claustrophobia. Recall no medrash to this effect.)

Daughter came home today with wild tale of school bathrooms Flooding progressively from first floor to fourth, with subsequent spillover into elevator shaft and classrooms, resulting in Girls standing on their Desks and Screaming. Daughter further alleged that the stairs Broke and when you went Outside, you could see the Water spouting out of the Roof. Am sure I have seen a Movie like this. (Query: Day After Tomorrow? Or, perhaps, one of the Die Hards?) In any event, have not received phone call from School; thus, must conclude that that Building not entirely demolished and tomorrow's Sessions shall proceed as usual.

I Get Old, and Other Gloomy Observations

Upon awaking on Erev Rosh Hashana, found myself afflicted by most unpleasant virus. Shall refrain from providing details, as must keep in mind that not many people find descriptions of Diseases and their symptoms either Interesting or Tasteful. Food preparation conducted in muzzy haze, with heartfelt prayer for getting things Right and avoiding solecisms such as leaving Flour out of Cake (this happened to me when I was Sixteen, which only served to confirm my opinion that there were Better things for me do do).

Managed to stay upright and Awake until arrival of Guests; retained a semblance of Coherency through the Simanim, though had to invoke Husband's aid in determining exact composition thereof. Subsequently, retired to couch and slept, regaining consciousness only to tell Husband that There are Potatoes in the Pot and Just Dump the Veal on a Plate. Felt deeply that the less I heard about Food, the better for all present.

Spent rest of holiday avoiding food. Ironically, recover in time for today's Fast, which also coincides with my secular birthday. Cannot help seeing this, together with sundry other Occurrences as unauspicious beginning for new year. Forlorn hope is that G-d is getting the nasty stuff out of the way so we can enjoy the rest of year in peace; am, however, not disposed to Count on any such thing, especially as am aware that everything could always be Much Worse. For Instance, already feel Cold coming on.

Am now Twenty-Nine. For reasons unfathomable to self, reflection that, were I still single, I would by now be an Old Maid, induces Feeling of Gloom. Am constrained to ask, Does it make me a Better Person that contemplation of others' Woes fails to Cheer me in the slightest, or Does it just make me an Incurable Pessimist? Answer: very much fear, the latter.

But, you know, do have a good year, everyone.

Too Tired for This, Really

Have been up all night working on assorted projects; as result, head is full of medico-legal jargon and keep thinking things like "collateral estoppel generally ineffective in cases of chorioamniotis" when really need to say, "NO, you may not have chocolate frosting for breakfast." Shall spend rest of day cooking, which usually has soothing effect. Macbeth has murdered sleep; not Macbeth, obviously, but cannot seem to otherwise fix blame on anyone but myself for Leaving things Too Late.

Finally, a Good Reason

Am informed by various males that I should vote for Palin "because she is Hot and shoots Moose." Discount the second as am not aware of urgent national Need for elimination of rampant Moose Infestation. As to first, cannot think why I should be influenced, given what I should think must be my obvious inclinations. However, am happy to finally produce comprehensible reason for voting Democrat, as Obama undeniably Hotter than McCain. Shall now cut short incisive political commentary and hide under bed, for fear of being mistaken for Moose by unkind Republicans.

Husband reports that his hospital is currently harboring Amy Fisher, and that the nurses Do Not Like her. Experience flashback to beginning of 9th grade, when AF 's then-recent exploits provided bulk of conversation fodder. Why? Answer: comes there none.

Am due in Immigration Court again this week, with client constitutionally unable to locate own ass with both hands; but the judge is nice. Am also reading biography of Jonathan Swift, interspersed with Angela Carter's Nights at the Circus, which has mental effect of eating fried potatoes dipped in red currant jelly - an intense craving I had during my second pregnancy.